PEOPLE who inhabit unaltered reality “are a danger to themselves and those around them”.

Health officials are warning the non-gaming public that endless hours of reality is “massively fucking up everything” following a series of unfortunate and destructive incidents that have recently taken place outside of the significantly safer world of virtual reality.

Further advice suggests that prolonged periods of reality could lead to “paranoia, anxiety, vomiting, and global annihilation,” while also cautioning against participation in real-world activities such as driving cars, consuming propaganda, and voting in elections.

This week one person who refused to be distracted by any kind of virtual or augmented reality accidentally watched a news programme that penetrated their rational thought process and led to them attending a rally in support of someone who currently has a 50/50 chance of triggering the apocalypse.

It came less than two months after similarly pliable reality users jeopardised the future economic stability and security of a juridical entity to which they belong.

“Real life is a high-risk game,” a reality adviser, sporting a bulletproof vest, commented. “If you fuck up in the virtual world you can just go back to the beginning and try again.

“Destroying things in games is often encouraged, and sometimes it is even the point of the game itself. Reality provides somewhat of a harsher outcome for this type of behaviour.”

But even those people who exercise caution and possess honest intentions are only one step away from disaster in the dangerous arena of unaltered reality.

“If you fuck up in the real world you’re basically taking a huge gamble on whether or not those afterlifers have got it right. And sometimes bad shit will just happen anyway, regardless.

“Numerous shops in unaltered reality sell items that are known to cause cancer, pollute the environment, and enslave the people who made them. We’ve recently learned that coffee cups – fucking coffee cups – are totally screwing up the planet.

“Sometimes all you have to do is drop a small piece of litter to accidentally slay a dolphin.

“Only last week we used up the last little bit of a full year’s worth of Earth’s ecological resources. That’s a year’s supply gone in seven months. What kind of strategy for life is that?

“In virtual reality, all you have to do is pick up another power pack from inside the safe house.”

Reality users are renowned for their stubbornness, decrying augmented or virtual reality users as “losers” and “geeks” who refuse to face up to real-world problems that need solving. But while gamers can sometimes get frustrated over how few cartoon creatures they’ve been able to collect, they needn’t worry about the extent to which the atmosphere is comprised of gases that prevent heat radiating back into outer space.

The reality adviser concluded: “It is basically now impossible to exist in the real world, even if your sole intention is to live in a box and survive by eating discarded burger buns, without majorly fucking up everything.

“I strongly urge any non-gamer, insisting on inhabiting the real world, to stay in their home at all times. Turn off the telly and the internet, cover-up the letter box, bolt the door, and hide under the sofa.

“Because shit’s about to get bad.”