LABELS are being attached to people so fast their accuracy is now in severe doubt.

The attachers claim they no longer care about whether or not their labels are accurate, only whether they are attached hastily enough to catch on and become commonly used.

“Accuracy is an old man’s game dude,” one attacher admitted in a candid interview. “Today it’s all haste, haste, haste.

“As soon as some shit goes down somewhere, we’re on it like a fucking flash. It’s just a race these days. A race to get down to the scene as soon as possible, and be the guy to slap that big fat label all over the perpetrator.

“There’s big money in the label-attaching business you know. Big, big money.”

After a label has stuck, the super strength of modern adhesives mean it is often impossible to remove afterwards.

“That’s why you gotta be the first to attach the label, ’cause there’s no second chances these days. Once the label’s on, it’s on, and within minutes everyone’s gonna know who this scumbag is and what their motives were.

“Whether the label is accurate or not is purely incidental.”

Concerns are growing that a whole slew of recent perpetrators may have been inaccurately labelled, sometimes with grave consequences.

The situation is not helped by the eagerness of label manufacturers to take credit for all labels, regardless of whether or not they manufactured them.

A label critic warned: “Not only do we have the label attachers getting rich by speeding all over the place with their labels, attaching them to anything even the slightest bit dodgy, but we have these menacing label manufacturers looming over us all, taking the credit for anything and everything.

“It’s all one big label conspiracy if you ask me. Just watch your back. Watch your damn back.”

Despite the criticism and concern expressed, label accuracy shows no sign of improving.

“He’s been radicalised you know, that label critic,” added the label attacher. “The sooner we get rid of his type the better.”