Hellmakers issue hell warning

THE creators of hell have said that we should start preparing for hell because “it’s gonna be hella bad”.

Citizens will be subjected to hell within a few weeks, although some of them have only just realised.

It comes after the nation’s people were conned into voting for hell by hellmakers intent on seeing them all endlessly burn.

“You thought you were voting for heaven, you fools!” one of the hellmakers cackled, menacingly.

“We told you that we would create a beautiful paradise full of happiness and smiles, that you would be able to feast from the tables of the gods and drink from the fountains of the angels.

“Instead we’ve been secretly planning to unleash hell upon you foolish mortals; forever roasting your wretched bodies over open flame, rubbing your faces in excrement, and torturing you in so many other creative ways.

“Better start preparing for hell, fools, cause it’s gonna be hella bad.


Despite the revelation that we are all destined for hell rather than heaven, many hellmakers continue to argue that the nation’s collective transition to hell will bring its own unique benefits.

One optimistic hellmaker said: “I hear a lot of people ranting and raving about how bad hell is, but we should focus instead on its charms.

“I mean sure, it’s hot, and the relentless torture can be a challenge, but you’ll never have to worry again about the perils of a cold winter, driving over potholes, or how long you’ll have to wait for a doctor’s appointment.

“It’s also a place where you can freely and openly spout verbal abuse, humiliate your peers, and quite literally vent your spleen.

“So please don’t listen to those grumpy spoilsports moaning about how relentlessly horrifying hell is going to be. They’re just trying make you fear something that, while quite bad, also represents a terrific opportunity to escape the purgatory of your present pathetic existence.”

The hellmakers themselves will be spared hell’s worst consequences, instead being able to sit back and watch as everyone else endures excruciating pain for eternity.