Rail users demand same rights as humans

TRAIN passengers have claimed that they should be treated on an equal basis with humans.

The rail users say that they are sentient beings made from “flesh and blood” just like real people.

But these claims comes despite train passengers’ willingness to endure a daily ritual of pain, suffering and humiliation, in order to reach a location where they will endure pain, suffering and humiliation.

“Just because we choose to pay for the twice-daily privilege of having our faces rammed inside a stranger’s armpit while someone else rubs their groin up against our butts, doesn’t mean we aren’t real humans,” one rail user claimed.

“I promise you, we are not unconscious, empty vessels. We have thoughts and feelings and emotions and ideas, just like you. We are made from flesh and blood, just like you. And we deserve to be treated just like you.”

The pleas have been swiftly rejected by train operators, however, who say there is no evidence to support the theory that their passengers are actual living creatures.

“It’s nonsense,” said one rail boss. “Just look at the evidence. These are people who say they hate their jobs, yet they are prepared to endure almost literal hell in order to reach those jobs.

“We’ve tried everything we can possibly think of to dissuade people from riding our trains. We ignore the timetable, we invent random reasons to cancel services, we sometimes just trap people in carriages to see how they’ll react, and of course we bump up the cost of these diabolical experiences every single year.

“And yet, our trains get more and more popular. Can you think of any other industry where the worse the service gets, the greater the demand becomes? No, it’s just the rail industry. It’s fucking bonkers.

“The only conclusion one can possibly draw is that rail users are not real people.”

The government, however, claims it is committed to improving railway services in one particular part of the country.

A spokesperson said: “We want to show you how much we care by taking money that could be used to help trains on existing railways cope with things like the weather and instead using it to build a flashy new railway that will trash the environment, take decades to build, and will not stop anywhere remotely close to your house.”