UNIVERSITIES are populated by intelligent people, a newspaper has confirmed.

The investigation into what type of people populate higher education establishments revealed they are almost exclusively the type of people who are highly educated and intelligent.

An investigative reporter for the paper blurted: “So it turns out that universities are stuffed full of the sort of folk who not only know the actual name of that large lumpy organ that sits between their ears, but also how to use it.

“It means that the opinions possessed by people at university are almost always well-informed and considered.

“They really do just sit down and think about things before drawing any conclusions about who or what is to blame for stuff happening and what can be done to solve a particular problem.

“It’s a situation that absolutely must not be allowed to continue any longer.”

The newspaper is now launching a campaign that aims to end what it describes as “bias towards intelligence” across all universities.

An editorial demanded: “If you have come across any instances of well-informed opinions being expressed by clever people at university, we want you to contact us and tell us where and when you heard such blatant and diabolical bias.

“We will then hunt these horrid clever people down and murder them with a spear before roasting their carcass over a fire – just like the ancient cave-dwellers we aspire to be.”