A TREE is available to help, if needed.

The perennial plant says that it has many essential and fundamental uses and could easily provide a solution to any ongoing topographical problems that may be causing difficulty at present.

“I’m ready to go,” the tree said. “I can help, I really can. I’m available, I’m abundant, I’m accessible. All you got to do is call.

“Just let me know, and I’ll be there.”

Trees have been much maligned as of late, with attempts to grow often being thwarted for seemingly innocuous and superfluous reasons.

Sometimes, justification for impeding the growth and dispersion of trees has been at best dubious, and at worst immoral.

“Folk haven’t been using me much lately,” the tree lamented. “In fact, they been cutting me down a lot. It’s a bit of a pain, to say the least.

“I don’t get it, really. I mean, when have I ever let you guys down? I might understand it if I was failing to do my job, but I ain’t. I’m a solid, reliable performer.

“I’ve always been around, doing my thing. I was here long before you were born. My experience is unrivaled.”

The attention-seeking tree, clearly a bit desperate, went on to list its some of its admittedly impressive skills.

“Just think of all the different tasks for which I could be utilised,” the tree continued. “You know, beside providing the oxygen which keeps every animal on the planet alive.

“I can put down roots, keep your soil together, help avoid any unwanted erosion. I can provide habitats for struggling species, spread the love a bit.

“Growing fruit – all kinds of fruit, not just apples and pears, all sorts. Honestly, you name it, I can grow it.

“And I soak up water like you wouldn’t believe. I mean, seriously, I am one thirsty motherfucker. I’d suggest, if you’ve got some excess water you need soaking up, that I might be good for that.

“Just sayin’.”