TAPE that business leaders assumed was red has actually been covered in blood.

New analysis shows that most red tape attainted its crimson shade from the blood of exploited employees, massacred manufacturers and poisoned patrons.

“That tape is red because on the other side of it is a pile of rotting corpses,” an inspector asked to evaluate the red tape concluded.

“I have found several examples of mutilated miners, diseased doctors, fried firefighters, and crippled craftsmen.

“My research sheds new light on the pigmentation of bureaucratic procedure and provides a stark warning to anyone who might consider removing it.”

Rivers of blood flowed for centuries prior to the era of workers’ rights, health and safety rules, environmental protections, and anti-slavery laws.

But business leaders have in recent years persuaded politicians to remove many of these barriers – colloquially known as ‘red tape’ – allowing blood to flow once again.

“Red tape is the enemy of progress,” one such lobbyist claimed. “The blood of an employee belongs to me, and only I should have the right to drain it.

“There is much money to be made when the river runs red.”