DEADLY plumes of toxic gases should be made bigger and more deadly in order to boost the economy.

This is the claim of people whose job is to make everyone’s lives better.

They say that gradually choking people to death is the best way to boost the economy, and, therefore, improve the lives of people who aren’t dying of some sort of respiratory disease.

One better lives person explained: “We had many options to boost the economy in ways that wouldn’t kill as many people, or any at all, but we decided to go with the deadly pollution instead, despite promising not long ago that we wouldn’t.

“Choosing to pollute is not an easy decision to make, and I want to reassure everyone that our deadly pollution plans will be drawn up very carefully, to ensure that this deadly pollution is minimised in such a way as to shorten the lives of as few people as possible.”

While deadly pollution has for decades been a reliable and consistent cornerstone of the economy, it has in recent years been criticised for killing too many people.

Now non-polluting industries have been hailed as equally solid economic contributors, threatening to end the dominance of a whole range of deathly activities.

“We stand at a crossroads in time,” said one economist. “Either we could choose to carry on polluting, shortening people’s lives, rapidly using up our natural resources, and hastening our path toward environmental and social collapse; or we could steer the economy down a cleaner and greener path.

“I’m glad I’m not in charge because it’s definitely a tough choice to make.”