AN EXECUTIVE director for a multinational oil company has reassured everyone that temperatures above 49°C in a country that counts ice hockey as its national sport are “totally normal” and “nothing to worry about”.
The greasy suit explained that 49°C was still less than halfway to the boiling point for water and that everyone should stop panicking and chill out and maybe fill up their car with petrol and go drive somewhere cooler if it’s really bothering them.
“It’s honestly not that bad, 49°C,” the oil exec shrugged, not making eye contact. “Back in the day, when humans had yet to evolve, 49°C was totally normal and everything was just adapted to it, you know?
“Now everyone’s freaking out like 49°C is some kind of indicator of a man-made global catastrophe when it’s a really natural temperature for a country that has polar bears.
“Just calm down and have a cold shower, you’ll be fine.”
Now the sea is also on fire.
“That’s not our fault. And even if it was our fault, you couldn’t prove it.”
Extreme weather events are becoming more common and more intense because of the greenhouse gases accumulating in the atmosphere after being released by fossil fuel burning, an activity that has made oil companies among the most profitable in the world in the last century but one that’s also been played down by those same oil companies, which have sought to suppress evidence of, or even outright deny, their destructive influence on the planet.
“Alright look, maybe we are a little to blame for all this,” the oil exec blabbed. “I mean, I would say sorry, but I’m not sorry, I’m wealthy as fuck.
“I’ve got all this money, my oil mates have got all this money, and we’ve done it by knowingly trashing the environment, while pretending we knew shit.
“Well you know what motherfuckers? We did know shit, but we lied, because we wanted to make money and we didn’t care who died as a result. Your lives mean nothing to us. Absolutely nothing.
“We’re richer than you could ever imagine. And you know what else? We’ve got air con and swimming pools and helicopters that can fly us wherever we want during these really bad heatwaves or forest fires or hurricanes or whatever other disaster is now befalling us because of the stuff we’ve done to make mountains of money.
“Good luck surviving, losers!”