ABSOLUTELY nothing is occurring in the world.

There are no new outbreaks of a highly infectious and deadly virus, no major world economies on the brink of collapse, and no scientific reports warning that climate change could wipe out insects.

No governments are being taken to court over their failure to tackle illegal levels of air pollution, no country’s bishops are resigning en masse over their role in an institutional child sex abuse scandal, no armies are murdering children for using slingshots, and no volcanoes are threatening to obliterate any island communities.

Conversely, everyone is alive and happy.

“It’s so lovely,” said one witness to the non-existent happenings.

“Before there were all these terrible things happening, all this violence and corruption and disaster and injustice, but now they appear to have stopped happening.

“I turned on the news today and that was it, all done, all gone, no more bad stuff. One can only assume that the world is now at peace and everyone is living a blissful existence punctuated only by rainbows and smiles.

“Probably.”

In other non-news; elections aren’t being rigged, human rights aren’t being abused, weapons aren’t being sold to repressive regimes, fossil fuels aren’t being extracted, women aren’t being paid less than men, presidents aren’t being investigated for collusion, civil liberties aren’t being curtailed, journalists aren’t being gagged.

Ice caps aren’t melting, schoolchildren aren’t being shot, workers aren’t being made redundant, species aren’t being made extinct, personal data isn’t being stolen, coral reefs aren’t being bleached, peaceful protesters aren’t being jailed, rainforests aren’t being logged, companies aren’t dodging tax, and migrants aren’t being blamed.

“Phew, what a relief,” another witness mused. “It’s nice to have finally solved everything.

“I guess there’s nothing left for all the journalists to do now other than report on people’s weddings.”