PERIODICAL publications containing news, analysis, comment, propaganda and fear are still being printed on paper and distributed to people who actually read them, it has emerged.

The centuries-old technique of disseminating information through physical editions of “newspapers” is incredibly still in use today, despite many far more efficient and far less dogmatic methods of communication having been invented a long time ago.

Rich people and the corporations they own had for decades used the archaic medium of newsprint to exert control over the general population, and ensure they remain idle and compliant so that their own dominance would continue unimpeded.

In recent years, progress in modern techniques of electronic communication have given ordinary, non-rich people the chance to educate themselves and widely distribute their own knowledge, experience and research in a fast, unedited, impartial way.

It was thought that progress in these methods should have by now rendered the newspapers and their owners an irrelevance.

However, the continued existence of traditional print media was confirmed today after it emerged that what many other people had assumed was just colourful toilet paper had in fact been used to brainwash millions of people into making their lives worse.

Said someone via email: “Here you have access to millions of different strands of information at the touch of your fingertips, all being rapidly shared and spread through a myriad of online social platforms, accessed through a diverse range of electronic devices, connected via a complex global communications network involving radio waves, antenna, fibre optic cabling and satellites, to every corner of the globe.

“And yet, people choosing to utilise the enormous scope of opinion and breadth of data available to them through the internet, first established 26 long years ago, to make informed choices and better decisions, are still outnumbered by those who choose to do only what they are instructed to by nonsensical words written on unwieldy pieces of low-grade paper, printed by billionaire oligarchs keen to defend their own financial interests at the expense of the welfare, health and freedom of the vast majority of the population.

“Holy fuck balls.”