Moon to quit Earth

EARTH’S only natural satellite has announced plans to quit for another planet.

The Moon says it is fed up with being “used and abused” by humans, the civilised race currently occupying Earth.

Humans first landed on the Moon 50 years ago and are now plotting a way to return and set up a permanent base there.

“Oh hell no,” said the Moon. “Last time those fuckwits flew up here they left bags of shit and an ugly flag, plus loads of other random junk.

“I’ve been keeping an eye on this supposedly civilised species for some time, and I can tell you, I don’t like what I see.

“They’ve fucked up Earth. Like, completely destroyed it. This used to be the finest, most beautiful planet in the galaxy. I’ve heard about some of the other habitable planets out there and they didn’t used to even come close to Earth. Nowhere near.

“Now Earth is basically a piece of overheated trash and instead of fixing the damage they caused those human imbeciles are trying to come back up here and mess with me. They’re not gonna stop until they’ve fucked with every celestial body they can get their grubby little hands on.

“Well, I got a taste of what they’re like 50 years ago and I promise you, I’m not gonna just hang around here, orbiting Earth’s polluted ass like a mug, waiting for these chumps to come back and land on me again.

“I’m outta here. Seriously. I even spoke to Jupiter and she said she can’t get enough moons, she basically collects them. I’d be in good company.”

Asked for comment, Earth told reporters she hoped the moon would “get the hell out of my orbit before it was too late”.

“Save yourself while you still can, my little moon friend,” Earth implored.

“It’s too late for me. Go! Have a great life with Jupiter – I’ll see you on the other side!”