A MAN forced to start wearing a face mask to help stop the spread of a deadly disease says he fears it will make his penis even smaller than it already is.

The man, who has never successfully made his wife orgasm, is now panicking that wearing a mask will shrink his manhood so severely that he’ll need to use tweezers to masturbate.

Face masks are being made compulsory in many indoor public places, a move that has prompted a huge backlash from selfish pricks, deranged conspiracists, billionaires, and insecure men with tiny, sometimes microscopic penises.

“It’s not a mask, it’s a muzzle on my masculinity,” whined the reluctant mask wearer.

“So now I have to wear a face mask when I go to buy beer and cigarettes and all the other manly products I buy, just because there’s this virus going round that’s killing thousands of people?

“These masks are bullshit. They stop me from doing all the manly things I love to do, like verbally abuse women from across the street, spit, and make manly noises to show I’m a real man.

“My penis is already tiny, and now this happens. They created the virus in a lab in order to humiliate me, I’m telling you. It’s always about me. This is an attack on me.

“Me.”

The government initially denied that face masks would help stop the spread of the virus but is now recommending that people do wear them. A spokesperson said: “Last week we didn’t think masks were necessary and this week we do think they’re necessary but we’re only asking you to start wearing these necessary masks starting from next week.

“We’d like you wear a face mask in some indoor places, but not all indoor places, and we’re going to fine you £100 if you don’t follow our confusing rules, but this week it’s no big deal, do what you like.

“Stay alert. Stay safe. Protect yourself from our dangerous incompetence.”