FREEDOM is set to be curtailed in order to “help protect your freedom”.

The person in charge of deciding how much freedom we all have said it was now necessary to reduce our freedom a little bit because otherwise we risk losing it altogether.

“There are bad people out there who wish to take our freedom and are prepared to use violence to achieve this aim,” the freedom-decider said, dressed in black.

“As someone charged with protecting your freedom I will do everything in my power to ensure that your freedom does not get taken by anyone except me.

“And in order to help protect your freedom I’m afraid that at this dangerous time of freedom-snatching it is necessary for me to now take just a little bit of your freedom away.

“I’m sure you’ll agree it’s better that someone such as myself take a small piece of your freedom than some bad-intentioned stranger out there taking all of it.”

Violent attackers have recently employed tactics such as stabbing, shooting, bombing, and driving vehicles, in their attempts to take people’s freedom to live. But freedoms said to make it more likely that such terrible attacks succeed include typing things on a keyboard and reading stuff on a screen.

The freedom-decider continued: “Before we had the ability to type messages on keyboards and send them electronically to people in different locations, violence did not exist and the world was in total harmony.

“The invention of a device that could transmit messages and display information at incredibly high speed heralded a dark new age of freedom snatching, one that I now intend to end by reducing everyone’s ability to use it.

“Violent freedom attackers think they can defeat us by taking people’s lives, but I intend to defeat them by making people’s lives shit.”