Koala ‘terrified’ by fate of GDP

A SEVERELY injured koala recovering at a wildlife hospital after escaping bushfires that killed tens of thousands of her cousins says she fears a slowing rate of global GDP growth over the next financial year could be “devastating”.

The arboreal herbivore admitted that bleak economic forecasts were “keeping me up at night” and that a recent report highlighting uncertainty over trade tariffs would “send a shiver down my spine” had she not recently suffered third-degree burns to 56% of her body.

Addressing a world economic forum panel via video link, the koala who will likely not survive her injuries said: “We must act now to protect GDP and ensure that future generations do not inherit a world with persistently weak growth.

“While our great financial institutions are no strangers to traumatic events, I assure you that the prospect of declining consumer confidence, sluggish investment and stagnant interest rates are frankly terrifying to everyday koalas like me.”

Visibly wincing with pain, the koala added that “time was running out” to restore the world’s financial markets to their former glory, but that it was clear many governments were “living in denial” of the threats posed by weak growth.

“I urge you all to get a grip on this situation now, before it escalates into a global financial crisis that could potentially destroy the free market system as we know it,” the tree-climbing marsupial continued.

“I for one know that my children – had they not all been burned to death – would never forgive me for not speaking out about the dangers of rising budget deficits.”