Government pledges to start governing

A GOVERNMENT has vowed to commence governance shortly.

The national administration has yet to begin operation, nearly a year after taking power, but last night issued a statement saying it was “almost ready” to start its job of running the country.

In the absence of anyone in charge, tens of thousands have died unnecessarily, the economy has crashed, international laws have been ignored, and all elections have been postponed until next year.

But in a statement intended to reassure its petrified and starving citizens, the government set out an “ambitious and robust medium-to-long-term strategy” containing its “blue skies vision” for showing some fucking leadership at some point.

“We need to level with you,” the government announced. “Governing is harder than we thought it would be.

“And that’s why we want to make sure we are fully prepared before we start doing it.”

While the leadership vacuum has unfortunately coincided with a global pandemic, the government said that the prospect of thousands more people dying prematurely would not “rush” its “strategic trajectory” for showing even an ounce of basic competence.

“What we would like to do now is reassure you that our plan for governance includes doing all the things that a minority of you elected us to do, and absolutely none of the things that all of you would expect any government to do as a bare minimum standard.

“Ensuring public safety, protecting jobs, communicating important messages clearly and consistently, upholding the law, and putting the lives of our people before private profit – such luxuries will have to wait just a little bit longer.

“In the meantime, we’d like to wish you all the very best of luck.”