Expensive death drill favoured

A DRILL of death and destruction that costs an excessive amount of money is being favoured over much cheaper and significantly less cataclysmic sources of energy.

The lethal machinery is used to facilitate the extraction of a deadly gas, using deadly chemicals pumped underground with such ferocity that they destabilise the earth.

A death enthusiast boasted: “It’s a big, deadly drill; pumping toxic, deadly chemicals deep underground; fracturing rock to remove a deadly gas which, when combusted, contributes to deadly famine, flood, storm and sea-level rise.

“Oh, it’s deadly alright. Real fucking deadly. There’s no point me trying to pretend otherwise. This is a death drill. People will die.

“Only problem is, it’s a bit pricey. Want to give me money to use it?

“I promise I’ll muffle the screams.”

Although famed primarily for its destructive qualities, a welcome side effect of the death drill is that the deadly gas which it extracts can be used as a source of energy for survivors.

Plenty of non-deadly and less expensive sources exist, but a person in charge of spending people’s money on energy insisted: “After a great deal of careful thought, research, analysis, and discussion, I’ve decided the death drill is what’s best.

“It’s got everything you could ask for really; from polluted water supplies, to earthquakes, noise pollution, air pollution, road congestion, the exciting potential for a huge explosion at any moment.

“Oh, and not forgetting the death drill’s notable contribution to the greatest environmental catastrophe of human history. That’s always a plus.

“All in all, I must admit, the death drill comes with a particularly impressive cost-death ratio.”

Despite enthusiasm from dubiously-motivated energy administrators, the death drill remains stubbornly unpopular among everyone else.

This unpopularity, typically fervent among the people living in the places that death drillers wish to convert into environmental crime scenes, has caused bureaucratic difficulties for its proponents.

“Don’t worry about all that,” the energy adminstrator interrupted. “Any law that causes you difficulty in drilling and killing, just let me know.

“I’ll get it replaced with a new law that’s far more death friendly.”