Distant death ‘stops nearby death’

CAUSING death in distant places will prevent death nearby, according to death fanatics.

They claim that far away death “reduces the risk of death within a certain geographical proximity” by “reducing the number of distant people who are alive”.

The assessment comes following a recent spate of nearby death, which has sparked a big debate concerning the best way to prevent death occurring within a local parameter.

“We must stop nearby death, by any means necessary,” a death freak declared.

“Lots of suggestions have been made for how this might be achieved, but as far as we’re concerned, the only chance we have to finally end all this death nearby is to exterminate anyone who lives beyond a certain distance.

“Obviously we must have a careful discussion about how far away these people would need to be before their lives are deemed to be expendable, but it is a debate we are looking forward to.

“People whose coordinates are not too dissimilar to our own deserve to die a lot less than those vile folk who have the audacity to live in far flung coordinates.

“That is for sure.”

The death obsessive denied that a nearby person was more likely to be killed by a fellow nearby person than a distant person.

“That is just a lot of bullshit if you ask me,” he explained. “I know lots of nearby people and they would never dream of killing anyone in the local vicinity.

“The only murderous people I can think of are those damned people in the distance, way over there. Look, look at them, all small in the far off distance there.

“Just because we have to use binoculars to look at them, they think they can get away with anything. Well, we’re about to shit all over that idea.

“Death to the distant! Death to the distant! Nearby unite! Nearby unite!”

The death enthusiast added that anyone who claimed distant death was not the best way to prevent nearby death was “a nearby traitor” who “is threatening the lives of all nearby people”.

Anyone who calls for death equality, meanwhile, “is clearly a distant person in disguise”.