Choking albatross welcomes plastic curbs

A CHOKING albatross has welcomed moves to reduce plastic use and slow the rate of pollution entering the ocean.

Shortly before its stomach exploded from the amount of plastic debris it contained, the albatross expressed delight at tentative moves by a few governments to slightly reduce the amount of plastic produced by manufacturers of consumer goods.

“That is fantastic news,” exclaimed the albatross as it struggled for air. “I mean, thank you, thank you so much.

“I have been mistakenly eating plastic for my entire existence because I’m a bird with a small brain unable to differentiate between my natural prey and a synthetic compound that will slowly kill me.

“Really, this is all my fault, I’m the stupid one. I can’t believe I couldn’t tell the difference between a fish and a bottle top. I’m such a fool.

“In truth, you are all perfectly entitled to fill the oceans with your junk. I completely understand that plastic is very important to humans and that it helps you all live happy, fulfilling lives.

“But the fact that you are now considering slightly reducing the 12.7 million tonnes of plastic waste that gets dumped in the oceans every year, just for the sake of a few stupid marine animals, is so unbelievably kind and considerate.

“Bless you. Bless you all.”

Recent initiatives in countries guilty of producing vast quantities of unrecycled plastic waste include charging an insignificant amount for plastic bags at some shops but not others and a pledge to introduce a deposit return scheme on an unspecified scale and at an unspecified time in the future.

The moves come after an elderly man informed people about the problem of ocean plastic pollution, via a popular television documentary.

“It was nice of that man to film what was happening to us,” continued the dying albatross as it writhed in pain.

“Before he took a TV crew out into the ocean you all must have had absolutely no idea that there were whales and turtles and fish and birds idiotically eating or getting entangled in plastic.

“You lot must have thought we were such idiots when you watched that. It’s kind of embarrassing to be honest.”

As the albatross inhaled its last breath, a brown fur seal picked up its limp body and munched on its remains, unable to comprehend that the indigestible plastic contained within the bird’s carcass would one day contribute to its own premature death.


Image: © Chris Jordan/Plastic Change