Shoppers rush to buy things they don’t need

MILLIONS of shoppers are rushing out to buy masses of nonessential goods.

People have been fighting to get their hands on a wide range of luxurious items they don’t need, and in many cases, cannot actually afford.

The sudden surge in shop sales and subsequent stockpiling of consumer goods has not been prompted by any famine, natural disaster, war, power cut or nuclear holocaust.

Retail experts suggest instead that the frenzied panic-buying is being driven by a desperate desire to celebrate the birthday of a man who died thousands of years ago.

“As reasons go, it’s out there,” said one expert.

“I understand that many of these shoppers are actually buying gifts for people who don’t need them, or for that matter, want them.

“These trivial items are then wrapped in non-recyclable paper and stacked underneath a severed coniferous tree that has been planted in their living rooms and decorated with shiny balls.

“All of it is inspired by a dead man who is the subject of a really boring, but astonishingly popular, work of fiction.”

Among the most popular items being purchased during the recent shopping boom are non-edible televisions, dehydrating fluids, unreliable phones, and credit card debt.