SCIENCE is a dangerous pursuit that must be maligned and replaced with guesswork and supposition, according to people tasked with making big decisions.
The decision-makers say science is unnecessary because they already know exactly what the solution is to every problem and backing decisions up with evidence would waste too much time.
“We’d like to thank science for all that it has taught us in the past, but we’ll take it from here,” the big decision-makers said at a press conference.
“Science has become a luxury we could do without. It’s too experimental. In this new age we’re living in, we can’t afford to be wasting time establishing what’s causing a problem and what chance any potential solutions might have of fixing it.
“We need to just get stuff done, regardless of what that stuff actually is.”
The decision-makers have been tasked with important jobs such as improving people’s health, averting natural disasters, and keeping everyone’s lights switched on.
But instead of taking advice from scientists to help decide which medical procedures to fund, the decision-makers will be employing a ouija board; decisions on whether or not to evacuate cities in the paths of hurricanes will be made by the flip of a coin; while decisions about which energy sources to invest in will be made on the basis of gut instinct.
“Don’t worry, you can totally trust us to make the right choices for your future,” the decision-makers said in a reassuring tone.
“As the people entrusted to keep you safe and well, we will be making much faster, more reactive decisions based not on evidence or research but on fallacy, prejudice and conjecture.
“We can promise you that nothing catastrophically bad is going to happen for the period we’re in charge – because that’s what a psychic told us.”