Satirists still safer than women

SATIRISTS remain less likely to be savagely slain than other at-risk groups, such as women.

Attacks against comedic writers and illustrators have increased the dangers of wielding pens, pencils and other scrawling implements, but not anywhere near enough to overtake the perils of wielding a vagina.

Women are still by far the most likely people to be violently assaulted, particularly if they refuse to follow the orders of non-women, such as men, or if they try to learn about stuff.

Homosexuals are also a popular group for brutalising, although they can sometimes prove elusive because of their less hazardous physical traits, such as a lack of breasts.

“On balance, and despite recent events, you’re still more likely to get killed if you’re a woman than if you’re a satirist,” explained an expert in discriminatory violence.

“If I were a woman right now, I’d be far more worried than if I were just some random non-woman drawing cartoons, writing a witty polemic or simply having a quick doodle in the corner of a room.

“I would like to take this chance to reassure satirists that, on the whole, they remain far safer than 50 percent of the population.

“If you do have the misfortune of being a female satirist, however, I would advise you continue satirising only if you have sufficiently covered yourself up.

“And don’t even think about owning a mobile phone. Or driving. Or exercising.

“Or voting. Or travelling without permission. Or moving out of your parents’ house without being married.

“Or getting raped. Or having an abortion.”

Lesbian satirists have been warned not to even bother.