SAFETY levels rise at precisely the same rate as danger.

This is according to a group of high-profile danger experts who have been given plenty of opportunity to dispense their safety advice to a wide audience.

The danger experts have confirmed that when there are more dangerous devices and implements accessible to a greater number of people, “it makes everyone safer”.

And when there is also a potential for huge, almost inconceivably high casualty rates from the construction of the most dangerous contraptions ever built by man, “peak safety” is reached.

One of the respected danger advisors explained: “More danger, more safety. It’s a simple premise.

“As danger levels increase, people take fewer risks and greater precautions, thus becoming safer.

“The real safety risk is when danger levels are minimised by the elimination or restriction of dangerous machinery, technology and equipment.

“I only feel completely safe when I know that everyone around me is carrying highly dangerous apparatus, and when my government is firmly in possession of a contraption so dangerous that only one person – preferably a warmonger funded by companies that profit from danger – is authorised to use it.”

The fact that people are frequently killed by the same dangerous devices that keep us safe is “actually not a fact at all”.

And the fact that the parts of the world with the most impressive safety records are the same places where danger is reduced by the prohibition of dangerous implements “is also not a fact”.

The danger expert concluded: “The only fact that is actually a fact is that you are putting your family’s safety at risk by refusing to expose them to danger.

“And your opposition to the existence of the most dangerous of all dangerous devices is putting not only your family in danger, but every living creature on Earth in danger, and I think that you should be vilified and denounced for voicing such opposition.

“Danger equals safety, war equals peace, death equals life.”