A DEAL with a private contractor to provide [insert public service] for [insert government department] has collapsed, costing the taxpayer at least [£XXbillion].
The contract with [insert company name] was terminated [XX years] early after the firm ran up significant debts and suffered incalculable damage to its reputation for providing the service, widely criticised as “[insert criticism]” by the public since it began in [insert year].
[Insert name of minister] said his department was working “[insert adjective] hard” to find an alternative provider from the private sector.
If a new provider cannot be found before Christmas, the government may be forced to [insert alternative description for nationalise] the service.
“The blame for the collapse of this deal lies squarely with [company],” said Mr [minister surname].
“My department has been growing more and more concerned with the poor standards provided and the growing list of missed targets.
“I will work tirelessly, together with my staff, to ensure any potential losses to the taxpayer that come as a result of the unforeseen premature termination of this contract are minimised.
“I would also like to take this opportunity to reassure the users of this important service that we are doing all we can to ensure that the service continues to be provided to the best of our ability and that any unforeseen issues which may arise as a result of the unforeseen premature end to this private contract are dealt with to the best of our ability.”
[Insert company name] said it had intended to fulfill its obligations under the terms of its Public Private Partnership (PPP) with the government, but was no longer able to because [insert excuse].
A spokesman for the firm said: “We have been forced to seek an early exit from our contract with the government after a series of unforeseen circumstances made themselves apparent to us.
“Had we been able to foresee [insert problem] we would have continued to provide this service until the end of our contract in [insert year].
“However, we have accepted an [insert adjective] offer from the government which enables us to disengage from the PPP process, while at the same time continuing to provide the best possible outcome for our shareholders.”
Campaigners who had warned the government several years ago that privatising [insert service] was a bad idea and likely to lead to poorer standards, higher costs and major losses for the taxpayer said last night that they “told you [insert adverb]”.