OLD folk have a far higher mortality rate than young people, new evidence suggests.
Groundbreaking research into the dates of birth of the deceased has found an ‘astonishing correlation’ between ageing and death.
The new data provides ‘conclusive proof’ for the first time that ageing is bad for one’s health.
“The older you get, the more likely you are to die,” a professor explained slowly to ensure all the journalists in the room could understand.
“Our landmark study, which involved exhuming millions of bodies around the globe, has proven conclusively that age and mortality are inextricably linked.
“Ageing has quietly, but menacingly, become the world’s biggest health problem.
“With this conclusive research I sincerely hope the medical profession no longer turns a blind eye to what is, undoubtedly, the gravest threat to the longevity of mankind.”
Following publication of the chilling research health agencies the world over began issuing advice on how best to prevent old-age death.
One safety notice advised: “Walk along a railway line, jump off a cliff, swim across an ocean, or get lost in the desert, if you want to avoid death when you reach old age.”
Those that have already reached old age have been warned to stay indoors and pray for the invention of the time machine.
Everyone else is still free to enter their youthful communities and interact with other people of a similar age, but have been banned from playing lawn bowls and bingo as a precaution.
Schoolchildren are being taught about the best ways to avoid their grandparents.
Some in the medical profession, meanwhile, have cast doubt on the link between ageing and death.
They point out that in some parts of the world the most dangerous activity one can partake in is their own birth.
A sceptic said: “The research into ageing is patently flawed, as the authors failed to exhume any bodies in regions where young deaths outnumber old deaths.
“This may have happened because they mistook the human graves for pet graves.
“Either way, had these young deaths been taken into account, average life expectancy would be lowered to well under 65 and the world’s pensioners would be free again to hit the off licence and start chain smoking.”