A NEWBORN baby is facing a certain future.
The little tot’s life is entirely mapped out for them already, following a perfectly-executed birth this morning.
Doubts about whether the infant will have somewhere safe and secure to live were quickly dispelled upon their exit from the womb of a woman who can easily offer this basic necessity for a young life.
Any chance of the juvenile falling victim to an aerial bombardment by an aggressive foreign power, or to a massacre perpetrated by a blood-thirsty militia intent on the violent ethnic cleansing of their race, were ruled out by the family’s favourable class status and access to heavy weaponry.
A natural disaster influenced by man-made climate change, including a drought-induced famine or fast-spreading wildfire, will also never affect this newborn child of parents who have risk-free plans in place for all such disaster scenarios.
“This baby’s future is looking certain, very certain,” one bookkeeper said, his voice heavily laced with disappointment.
“We were going to run a ‘baby special’ on the likely cause and timing of death. We had a whole list of options printed out.
“You know; car accident in their teens, complications during routine surgery in their thirties, high blood pressure during middle age, that sort of thing.
“Then we were told who this little brat had been born to, and we had to rip it all up. They’re absolutely nailed on to die in their early 100s, of natural causes, in a cosy bed, surrounded by nearest and dearest.
“Makes you fucking sick doesn’t it?”
Other factors that have no chance of afflicting the physical health or mental wellbeing of this blessed kid include alcoholism, obesity, radiation poisoning, sexually-transmitted infection, malnutrition, cyber bullying, and credit card debt.
The youngster need also never worry about any kind of judicial injustice that might lead to years of solitary confinement, torture, and generally inhumane treatment at a notorious military detention centre.
“Poor thing,” an onlooker sympathised.
“Their whole life is already mapped out. As soon as they’re old enough to comprehend it, they’ll have every idea of what’s in store for their future. There’ll be no risks, no uncertainties, no worries, no doubts.
“And where’s the fun in that?”