Jailed drug dealer ‘sold peer-reviewed pills’

A DRUG dealer who only sold evidence-based pills is finally behind bars.

Police said the illegal narcotics flogged by the popular dealer had been ‘rigorously tested’ and ‘were definitely more effective than a placebo’.

He’d reportedly refused to use suppliers whose products hadn’t been subjected to at least ten randomised trials – all published in peer-reviewed recreational journals.

In some cases, police found the dealer had conducted a meta-analysis on the available data of any particular pill before distributing it to his customers at a competitive price.

His drugs were also always packaged in a box that carried guidelines for their safe use and an exhaustive list of known side-effects, along with complimentary 3D glasses.

“He’s scum,” said a police officer involved in the year-long investigation which eventually brought the diligent drug dealer to justice.

“With this piece of shit off the streets, you can now be sure your bored children won’t be able to buy any rigorously-tested pills when they go out looking to have a good time.”

The peddler’s peer-reviewed pills had become so popular among raffish revellers in recent years that rivals resorted to ratting him out.

“He was getting a reputation,” said one competitior.

“Not only were his pills guaranteed to give you a stonking night out but he was punctual, always picked up his phone and greeted loyal customers with a smile and a big cuddle.

“He did crazy things like giving people receipts and money-back guarantees. He even employed a customer services rep on the side.

“We had to rat him out. He was giving drug dealers a bad name.”