Giving money away ‘won’t make you rich’

PEOPLE who give money away are less likely to have lots of money, research suggests.

A study looking into the effects of money disposal discovered that there was an “astonishing” correlation between people who give money away and people who don’t have very much money.

One of the money researchers, dressed in a paper bag that definitely did not have room for a wallet, said: “People who give money away, usually for little or no benefit to themselves, tend to find that they have less money after doing so.

“We’ve also established, after years of research into this topic, that people’s ability to get more money, and to keep the money that they already have, is directly proportional to how much money they have.

“People who have more money tend to have more money because they’re really good at keeping money.

“I’m sure you’ll agree that these are quite revelatory findings, and if you wouldn’t mind buying a copy of our research paper, or possibly just giving us some of your loose change, we’ll hopefully be able to make lots more astonishing discoveries in the days we have left before our doctors estimate we’ll die from malnutrition.”

Examples of activities that are likely to lead to giving money away include donating to charity, gambling, smoking, gym membership, soliciting prostitutes and paying tax.

“Tax avoidance means not giving your money away unnecessarily,” an accountant explained.

“It’s legal, you see, but in order to do it you have to have lots of money to pay a clever accountant like me who’s really bloody good at keeping hold of your money.

“When you’re rich, paying tax is no different to donating to charity. It’s all optional. You just have to decide whether or not you think the government is a good cause.

“Knowing that many of my clients are actually in the government, or are closely associated with people who are, I suppose it’s quite surprising how many of them can’t even spare a quid for it.”

An earlier paper published by the penniless researchers established a clear link between money accumulation and a series of negative personality traits, including, but not limited to; dishonesty, selfishness, intolerance, greed, spitefulness, jealousy, insensibility, contempt, arrogance, untrustworthiness.

Psychopathy, malice, aggression, barbarity, inhumanity, masochism, rage,  ignorance and cowardice.

“Given that people who have more money are more likely to be nasty people who are highly skilled at lying, and given also that money becomes easier to keep hold of the more of it you have, I’d suggest it be a good idea if we keep a close eye on these people who have lots of money and maybe draw up some rules to keep the rest of us safe,” the researcher added before keeling over.