Extremist demands world peace

FEARS are growing for the safety of humankind after a high-profile extremist demanded the immediate termination of all wars.

The perilous “world peace” plea was watched by millions of people, stoking concerns that many viewers will have become dangerously indoctrinated by the radical humanitarian’s non-violent creed.

Speaking at an event to promote his unsanctioned and highly suspicious campaign to pacify a powerful group of noble warmongers, the extremist blared: “Peace. Peace!

“It might sound incredible, audacious, even impossible, but that’s my goal. Peace. Everywhere. Ballsy, I know.

“There have been times when I’ve thought, maybe world peace is a bit unrealistic, a bit overambitious, but then I realised that calling for partial world peace doesn’t really cut it. It’s not enough.

“I want there to be peace in all those places where there isn’t peace at the moment. That means getting rid of the war and shoving the peace in there instead.

“Get the peace, take it where it isn’t peaceful, slam that peace down and shout: ‘I come here in peace, here is your peace, take the peace, peace is good!'”

The extremist also used his spine-chilling speech of docility to reel off a list of the people and organisations he most wanted to harmonise.

“Some have made it their mission to be the enemies of peace, and stand in the way of progress. I say to those people; there is another way, war is not the only solution.

“Why not blow up a peace poster for your window? Shoot a peace film, bomb your local train station with peace flyers, belt out a peace song, fire a long-range peace email, execute a peace blog.

“You could even sell peace buns at a peace stall and invite all your friends from countries that are still a bit deathy to buy them.”

The extremist’s alarming articulation was not the first time he had caused controversy in recent months.

Spurred on by a growing band of brainwashed fanatics, other dangerous demands made by the extremist include being nicer to animals, improving hospitals, protecting the environment, paying people higher wages, reducing pollution, returning public services to the public, catching and punishing thieves, making housing more affordable, and protecting vulnerable people.

“Such grim and ghastly aims will inexorably lead to the collapse of society itself and bring forth total chaos,” a well-respected mass-murderer warned.

“This extremist must be eliminated by any means necessary, before he is allowed to gain power and inflict on us his disastrous diktat of ultra non-violence.”