THE dictionary has been mysteriously c*n***ed.

English s****ers woke up this morning to f*** they could no longer say c**t*** words, apparently pi**ed at random by a c*n*** who f**cked through the huge b*** with his **um* last night.

The inexplicable c*n***ship is affecting anyone who s****s or w****s in English, and is even afflicting s*** language **ers.

“I have no idea what is ******ing,” said an English s****er this morning.

“Why can’t I just *a*k normally like I could before?

“P***s*! I just want to c***un***t* without being constantly *********ed like I’ve got *******es.”

The sudden spate of c*n***ing comes amid renewed *alls to ban s**** w***s f*** newspapers, television and social media.

“None of the w***s we w***ed to c*n*** have actually been c*n***ed,” an anti-s****ing campaigner **p**i*ed.

“Instead, a who*e load of random w***s are either being **ted or *****ed out.

“I can no longer ex***** myself adequately, nor have a proper **bate with my pe**s.

“*o* fuck’s sak*.”