THE dictionary has been mysteriously c*n***ed.
English s****ers woke up this morning to f*** they could no longer say c**t*** words, apparently pi**ed at random by a c*n*** who f**cked through the huge b*** with his **um* last night.
The inexplicable c*n***ship is affecting anyone who s****s or w****s in English, and is even afflicting s*** language **ers.
“I have no idea what is ******ing,” said an English s****er this morning.
“Why can’t I just *a*k normally like I could before?
“P***s*! I just want to c***un***t* without being constantly *********ed like I’ve got *******es.”
The sudden spate of c*n***ing comes amid renewed *alls to ban s**** w***s f*** newspapers, television and social media.
“None of the w***s we w***ed to c*n*** have actually been c*n***ed,” an anti-s****ing campaigner **p**i*ed.
“Instead, a who*e load of random w***s are either being **ted or *****ed out.
“I can no longer ex***** myself adequately, nor have a proper **bate with my pe**s.
“*o* fuck’s sak*.”