DESTROYING an ice cap won’t make as much money as previously thought.
A company that had planned to ruin the pristine environment, the protection of which is imperative for the future wellbeing of life on Earth, announced it no longer intended to sabotage the ice cap because doing so would “utterly wreck our profit margin”.
It is understood that the annihilation of other parts of the Earth are more economically viable and are now being carefully considered.
A company spokesthing said: “We tried really, really hard to destroy this ice cap in a way that would carefully preserve our profit margin and offer a sustainable future to all of our shareholders.
“Unfortunately, after many months of investigation and exploration, we have concluded that the ravaging of this precious environment and unique ecosystem would just be too much of a risk to our long-term financial prospects.
“Regrettably, we must withdraw our killing machines from this area forthwith, and move them to another, more accommodating, part of the world.”
Polar bears were among the species that would have been threatened by the company destroying the ice cap, because they depend on the ice cap continuing to be an ice cap.
A director of operations for ursus maritimus said news of the ice-cap destroyers’ exit from the species’ territory was welcomed.
“This is of course very good news for us and the many other unique species with whom we share this ice cap,” the polar bear said.
“But we would be naive to believe that this company was the only one capable, or intent, on destroying our habitat. Therefore we must declare this ice cap strictly off-limits to all companies, forever.
“Not least because I’m fucking starving right now and those fuckers scared away all the fucking seals.”