Bonkers scientists say world will end ‘soon’

CRAZY scientists say we must prepare for the end of the world because that’s what “the overwhelming evidence” indicates will happen unless we act now to stop it.

Citing a modern text which portends doom based on the “laws of physics”, cuckoo geeks warn that rising sea levels will submerge many of the world’s great cities while huge swathes of forest burn and desertify, leading to the extinction of most of the planet’s animal and plant species.

“It’s because we’ve been polluting the atmosphere,” one of the deranged nerds explained as he studied an ice core as if it actually held some sort of vital information that could predict the future.

“The bubbles tell us how much CO2 was in the air at a time when the ice caps where smaller than they are now. It’s how we can predict the likely effect on our climate of us burning more carbon.”

Drilling deep down into the Earth’s crust so as to cause earthquakes, poison the water supply, and extract a gas which will cook us all to death were we to burn enough of it, is an activity the scientists say is not helping us to avoid the end of the world.

“If we keep extracting and burning such fossil fuels, the climate will warm further, the ice will melt, and 95 percent of everything on Earth will likely die.

“Just thought I’d warn you, that’s all.”

The vagueness of the scientific prediction has been seized upon by right-thinking critics as very good reason for why such an apocalypse won’t ever happen, with the lack of an exact time frame regarded as proof the scientists are totally bonkers.

An expert in scepticism said: “Oh sure, like we’re meant to believe the world’s about to end? Like, really? Are they crazy?

“If we were on the brink of an apocalypse, surely these so-called ‘scientists’ would be able to tell us the exact date of when it will happen?

“All they ever say is ‘soon’, or ‘over the next century’, which, if you ask me, is proof enough that they’re just deranged lunatics who will realise, come midnight on 21st December, that their theory is total balderdash.”

In order to protect ourselves against impending catastrophe, the scientists say we should build mammoth flood defences and provide financial assistance to areas that will be worst affected, as well as taking urgent and drastic action to try and prevent the apocalypse from actually happening in the first place.

“And that’s another thing,” continued the sceptic. “Why bother saying there’s going to be an apocalypse if there’s actually a way we could stop it from happening and save ourselves from these cataclysms the scientists keep going on about?

“Surely the whole point about the end of the world is that there’s nothing you can do about it so you might as well just sit at home and wait for death.”

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