Fetus wins right to die in mass shooting
A GOVERNMENT has granted unborn children the right to be… Continue Reading
Latest by: CrackNews
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Small man starts war
ANOTHER tiny, miniscule man has started a war against regularly-sized… Continue Reading
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Anti-vaxxer just wants to feel clever
AN IMBECILE who refuses to get vaccinated against a deadly… Continue Reading
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Oil exec claims 49°C ‘not that hot’
AN EXECUTIVE director for a multinational oil company has reassured… Continue Reading
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‘Bad idea’ bad idea
A BAD idea that lots of people warned was a… Continue Reading
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Fuck off fascist fuck, voters decide
A FASCIST should fuck off and then go fuck off… Continue Reading
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Government pledges to start governing
A GOVERNMENT has vowed to commence governance shortly. The national… Continue Reading
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Masked man fears further penis shrinkage
A MAN forced to start wearing a face mask to… Continue Reading
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Police ‘sorry’ for not killing people equally
POLICE officers who killed a black man have apologised for… Continue Reading
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Humans being nice to each other
HOMO sapiens are being kind and helping each other out.… Continue Reading
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Koala ‘terrified’ by fate of GDP
A SEVERELY injured koala recovering at a wildlife hospital after… Continue Reading
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Liar lying
A LIAR is lying. The liar said he was not… Continue Reading
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Girl threatens status quo, insecure men
A GIRL who wants grown-ups to start acting their age… Continue Reading
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Democracy still dead
DEMOCRACY is dead, much as it has been for some… Continue Reading
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Moon to quit Earth
EARTH’S only natural satellite has announced plans to quit for… Continue Reading
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Factory workers ‘deserved to lose jobs’
WORKERS laid off when their factory was moved overseas had… Continue Reading
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Protesters not perfect
PEOPLE who have been protesting for a worthy cause are… Continue Reading
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Glorious sign of impending doom
SUNSEEKERS have been enjoying fun and frolics as the nation… Continue Reading
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Rail users demand same rights as humans
TRAIN passengers have claimed that they should be treated on… Continue Reading
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Hellmakers issue hell warning
THE creators of hell have said that we should start… Continue Reading
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Wage nearly enough to live on
HUNDREDS of people have applied for a job offering a… Continue Reading
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White man facing consequences
A WHITE man is enduring bad consequences for something bad… Continue Reading
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Atrocity occurs in place it often occurs
AN awful atrocity has befallen a country where such atrocities… Continue Reading
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Green energy ‘not deadly enough’
ENERGY generated by green renewable sources doesn’t kill enough people… Continue Reading
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Nothing happening
ABSOLUTELY nothing is occurring in the world. There are no… Continue Reading
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Choking albatross welcomes plastic curbs
A CHOKING albatross has welcomed moves to reduce plastic use… Continue Reading
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Motorist defends right to kill you
A MOTORIST has defended his right to kill you and… Continue Reading
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Bacon linked to high swine mortality
BACON has been linked by researchers to high mortality rates… Continue Reading
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Shareholder rewarded for possessing money
A SHAREHOLDER has been rewarded for possessing money by being… Continue Reading
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Famous person recommends product
A PRODUCT has been endorsed by a famous person, who… Continue Reading
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Gender roles assigned
FAMILY and friends have rallied together to lovingly reinforce societal… Continue Reading
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Guinea pigs to source own hay
A GROUP of guinea pigs are planning to find a… Continue Reading
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Universities full of clever folk
UNIVERSITIES are populated by intelligent people, a newspaper has confirmed.… Continue Reading
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Tenant ‘eager to pay landlord’s mortgage’
A TENANT is determined to work extra hard in order… Continue Reading
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Bucket sellers with blood on their hands
THE government will order bucket sellers to clamp down on… Continue Reading
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Cause hit by effect
THE cause of a problem has been hit directly by… Continue Reading
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Violent act ‘tradition’
A VIOLENT act that has occurred at regular intervals over… Continue Reading
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Alien invasion cancelled
PROSPECTIVE alien invaders have been forced to abandon plans to… Continue Reading
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Billionaires disobeyed
BILLIONAIRES are being disobeyed for the first time in their… Continue Reading
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Less freedom ‘helps protect freedom’
FREEDOM is set to be curtailed in order to “help protect… Continue Reading
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Peach ripening nicely
A PEACH will be ready to eat soon. The tasty fruit… Continue Reading
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Government run by cunts
CAREFUL analysis shows the government is being run by a… Continue Reading
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Rattlesnake tastes fear, irrationality
A RATTLESNAKE has picked up a strong whiff of fear,… Continue Reading
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‘New media evil’ claims old media
MEDIA that has been recently created is being blamed for… Continue Reading
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Woman has opinion
A WOMAN has expressed an opinion despite not possessing a penis.… Continue Reading
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Flag not sure what fuss about
A FLAG has spoken of being “baffled” over the adoration… Continue Reading
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Refugee ‘sorry for being selfish’
A REFUGEE is “sorry for ruining people’s lives” by greedily fleeing violence and poverty.… Continue Reading
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Science ‘too experimental’
SCIENCE is a dangerous pursuit that must be maligned and… Continue Reading
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2016 less devastating than 2116
THE devastating events of 2016 pale in comparison to those… Continue Reading
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Bleached coral vows revenge
A BLEACHED staghorn coral polyp has promised to take its revenge “in… Continue Reading
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Crap system produces crap outcome
A CRAP system has produced a crap outcome. The crap… Continue Reading
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Pollution ‘boosts economy’
DEADLY plumes of toxic gases should be made bigger and… Continue Reading
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Racist sex pest popular
A RACIST sex pest is being cheered and applauded at huge rallies as… Continue Reading
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Uninvited guests refuse to leave party
GUESTS who crashed a party and poisoned everyone have refused to leave. What… Continue Reading
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Frog yet to jump out of heated pan
A FROG has still not reacted to the increasing temperature of… Continue Reading
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Reality users ‘fucking it up’
PEOPLE who inhabit unaltered reality “are a danger to themselves… Continue Reading
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Label attachers value haste over accuracy
LABELS are being attached to people so fast their accuracy is… Continue Reading
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Politics taking place
EVENTS described as “political” are taking place at an increasing… Continue Reading
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Truth lost
FEARS are growing for the fate of The Truth with… Continue Reading
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Proof ‘proves nothing’
IRREFUTABLE evidence of something happening is being refuted by people… Continue Reading
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Customers undeterred by product’s ubiquity
A UBIQUITOUS resource is being sold in large quantities to… Continue Reading
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Hedgehog demands prickle lanes
A BEREAVED hedgehog is calling for highway authorities to build… Continue Reading
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Thieves caught thieving
THIEVES have been caught stealing things. The crooks, dressed in… Continue Reading
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Attractive person slain
AN aesthetically-pleasing person has been murdered. The beautiful young human… Continue Reading
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Red tape blood-stained
TAPE that business leaders assumed was red has actually been… Continue Reading
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Expensive death drill favoured
A DRILL of death and destruction that costs an excessive… Continue Reading
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‘Keep doctors happy’ advise ill
ILL folk have suggested keeping doctors happy. The wise recommendation… Continue Reading
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Tax optional
LAWS that demand people give a portion of their income… Continue Reading
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Clean water important
CLEAN water is needed to keep people alive, it has… Continue Reading
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People make way for cash
A HUGE bloody great tower will be built to help… Continue Reading
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Tree available
A TREE is available to help, if needed. The perennial… Continue Reading
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Children lied to
CHILDREN are being lied to by adults. The lies are… Continue Reading
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Artificially bounded regions idolised
GEOGRAPHICAL regions bounded artificially to enable their autonomously distinctive operation… Continue Reading
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World leaders agree to destroy world
A DEAL to destroy the world has been agreed at a global summit after… Continue Reading
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Cute animals at risk
ANIMALS famed for their adorable physical traits are being put… Continue Reading
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Distant death ‘stops nearby death’
CAUSING death in distant places will prevent death nearby, according… Continue Reading
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Racism encouraged
RACISM is being encouraged. Advisors claim that negative assumptions and… Continue Reading
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Present wars halted to honour past wars
WARS taking place in the present have been paused momentarily… Continue Reading
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Democracy ‘cannot be too democratic’
DEMOCRACY still works best when it is not too democratic,… Continue Reading
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Calls for apology apology
DEMANDS have been made for an apology over the appallingly… Continue Reading
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Future storm not going back
A STORM of the future has arrived in the present… Continue Reading
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Team beats team
A TEAM has won after beating the team it was… Continue Reading
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Famous person attends event
A PERSON who is well known by a lot of… Continue Reading
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Safety ‘proportional to danger’
SAFETY levels rise at precisely the same rate as danger.… Continue Reading
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Destroying ice cap economically unviable
DESTROYING an ice cap won’t make as much money as… Continue Reading
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Anti-establishment guy hated by establishment
AN ANTI-ESTABLISHMENT figure is being opposed by the establishment. Pillars of… Continue Reading
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Photo of bad event ‘make bad event worse’
A PHOTOGRAPH taken of a bad event happening has reportedly… Continue Reading
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Extremist demands world peace
FEARS are growing for the safety of humankind after a… Continue Reading
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Old people more likely to die
OLD folk have a far higher mortality rate than young… Continue Reading
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Legal lows still legal
LEGAL lows that cause daily misery for millions remain perfectly… Continue Reading