PROSPECTIVE alien invaders have been forced to abandon plans to colonise Earth after inspectors concluded the damaged planet was “not worth it”.
A full-scale invasion was reportedly just days away, but the inspecting team ordered to collect environmental data from Earth’s surface ahead of the raiding party returned with bad news for species chiefs.
The mothership that had been stationed on the edge of the solar system, awaiting go-ahead to launch, is now turning back in hope of finding a higher-quality planet to invade somewhere else in the galaxy.
In an exclusive interview, one alien inspector told Crack News: “This is a universe first for us. In the history of our species, stretching back millions of years, we have never cancelled a planned invasion. It just does not happen.
“Going into this operation, our long-range observations suggested that Earth was almost a perfect planet to invade. It had everything we were looking for. We just can’t figure out what went wrong.”
The aliens had first observed Earth from their own home planet, some 255 light years away, where they would have viewed its environmental state from no later than the 18th Century. A decision to invade would have been taken on the basis of these observations.
“We were all geared up, ready to roll, mothership set to autopilot. We entered into our usual sedative state for the long journey and woke up again when we were within just a few billion miles of Earth. But something must have changed during our centuries-long journey. Big time. I mean, look at the state of that thing right now.
“When we were sent to inspect the place, we found polluted oceans full of rubbish, destroyed forests, melting ice caps, eroding soils, bleached reefs, severe biodiversity loss, and even a goddam hole in the atmosphere. Like seriously, how could that actually happen?
“To be honest I’d be fucking embarrassed to live on that piece of shit. It’s not worth our time.
“We’re getting the hell out of here.”